august in november

…gone tired blog hopping and watching telenovelas….my two kids are sound asleep behind me…i’m still off duty tomorrow…my cough is getting better with just water, rest and citrus fruits…haaaaayyyyy a lot has changed in my life…i miss dad, i miss him everyday…but life has to go on and i’d like to think he is happy wherever he is now…i can not help but still talk about him from time to time even if i have said in my other blog i am already moving on…there really is no real moving on when it comes to losing loved ones, we only walk away from the pain but never from the love and memories….

…most everyone is on FB now, but FS still holds a dear place in my heart…it feels like home to me….a place where i can be, just the way i am….ha ha ha ha what am i talking about….drop it Kulasa, you are simply missing somethin here..or is it someone? he he he….hmmmmmmm i want to write a poem, let me see if i still could…haven’t for what seems like a looooonnnngggg looonnnggg time….

A tender kiss on a lover’s cheeks

Warms my heart on a summer’s mist

Sweet November and August tricks

Drives me to a moonless trysts

…….

enough, enough, i am sleepy now, friendster has done its part today, to lull me to sleep…..good night universe! wherever you are in the universe now dad, know that i love you and you are in me…..

oh, i still love friendster, do you?

Huwag mong hilinging mahalin kita

Dahil mamahalin kita

Ng lampas langit,

Dahil mahal na kita

Kahit magalit ka pa

Huwag mong hilinging manatili ako

Dahil mananatili ako

Hanggang sa matapos ang kailan pa man

Huwag mong sabihing mahal mo rin ako

Dahil lalo kitang mamahalin

Huwag mong salingin ang sugat ko

At umpisahang paghilumin

Dahil hindi na kita paaalisin

Huwag mo akong hawakan

Sapagkat hindi na kita pakakawalan

Huwag mo akong mahalin

Kung ayaw mong ikaw ay aking sambahin.

i haven’t been blogging for what seems like eternity to me….life took a standstill when dad died….dad, he died…dad, died….died…did dad just die? yah, dad did, did die…..

dad and i, we loved to delve on death and dying…he used to quote John Steinbeck oftentimes as saying somethin’ like “death as being something intellectual…dying as pure pain”..the latter drives me to tears as i love to say, beyond console each time i recall all the suffering he went through to reach the end….

i had so many things in mind since the day he got so sick….sick as in bed-ridden, sick as in so sick he couldn’t even say a word….oh God i hate to imagine him that way but this is something i need to do….to rant and rave about the pain…his pain, my pain watching him….so that i can finally let go…

i love him so much…i guess everybody does love a dad…there is no other word for a man worth dying for than yah “Father”…..to “dance with my father again” everyone seems to be playing that song, everywhere i go nowadays…haaayyyy..

I used to wonder why people get so surprised when learning mr so and so…mrs..miss so and so died when death is certain the moment one is born…until dad did, dad did die…

…mastered the stages of grieving a long time ago but here i am, saying dad died….and half believing…

don’t worry, i’m fine…

5:00 p.m. to 7:25 pm he he he….a test of patience and caring…

i passed he he he………

a friendship that is pure- rules!

May the good Lord bless all the friendships in the world!

It is a beautiful night afterall!

i tilt my head

to welcome the drops of water

they run down my neck, to my breast, my arms, my legs

with closed eyes i think of all the times

in my life i chose to be with you

i have changed

a lot have changed

when was the last time i heard you sing to me?

sing for me and sing of me?

sigh, i let out a sigh, and hug myself

the water goes drip drop, drip drop on the tiles

miggling with my tears,

does the water make the tears less salty?

of course it does…of course it does…

i open my eyes…i do not see you anywhere…

where are you? where have you gone?

all these years of being together, giving all of me…

what has it done? to me? i seem to have lost me…lost me…

i do not want to grab the towel and dry myself…

i want to just stay here, under the artificial rain…

to make the tears taste less salty…

to drown the anguish with flowing water…

to wash away the misery…

oh misery is it?

or simply boredom?

for where has the lust gone?

has it been blown with the aging of the sun?

more than the lust…i am looking for the love…

where has all the enchanment gone?

the billowing of the years, has it taken away the fire?

i rest my shoulders on the wall

i look at myself in the mirror

has this been the same face?

yes it was, it still is the same,

the same eyes, the same lips that made you mine

then…now? i do not know the answer…

but i know that somehow, i left you

somewhere, i left you…and i laugh…

i bathe in revelry because

i have learned…to love myself!

There was something about the rain that made her want to talk about you again. Something in the way the water embraced the ground, in the way the wind whispered to the leaves; in the way the tree’s branches swayed with the wetness of everything under the sky that made her go running in front of the monitor, tapping wildly on the keys…forgetting where she was, forgetting whom she was with…and made her want to be in another place and time…with you instead…humming with the clouds
….dancing with the rain…but just as she thought the rain wouldn’t cease, it stopped all at once, taking her back to reality, to the dryness of the present….and the rain, was again… just a memory, of  you…of gloriously angelic YOU!

“am, i a poet? he he he he sometimes i think i am, at times i think i am not…there is something about writing that is so like dancing, you stand in the middle of a crowd, not knowing how to move, until the music beats and you simply find yourself turning and turning and enjoying each motion..in writing, you face a blank sheet, not knowing what to say until the words come, coaxing you, to dance!…writing brings out the dancers, the singers that we are not at times he he he…”

SILENCE

There is something about silence

That speaks loudly

In the silence of not knowing

In the blindness of the heart

There, there grows the ultimate feeling

That nothing can shutter

A silence, that can never be drowned

Smothered or pounded

For it shouts the loudest of all sounds

The most beautiful of all melodies

The saddest smile, it sinks

A chuckle, a sigh, a tap, a rap

It simply is not

Because it is the singing of the heart

That doesn’t make a noise

That tames…. a harp!

            I wonder what it is like to be finally leaving this life. Such a sullen thought….but with a great degree of contemplation; one would realize that indeed it is one of the most important questions one asks in life.

            It says in Ecclesiastes 7:2- “It is better to go to a home where there is mourning than to one where there is a party, because the living should always remind themselves that death is waiting for us all.”

            Ecclesiastes 7:4- “Someone who is always thinking about happiness is a fool. A wise person thinks about death.”

            It must be this colds and cough I am battling with at the moment that reminds me that if we want to be of great use for the rest of humanity we must keep this temple of God healthy.

            Tomorrow is another 24 hours of saving other people’s lives. I can feel my lungs struggling to filter the air I breathe and my throat has a lump that makes me want to cry…well at least the headache responded to the nap I took and my nose still has two holes he he he he and my fingers can dance on the keyboard…they can laugh and jump and hug my friends from far away lands and that is all that matters for now….

            On “death and dying”…oh Lord, I so long to be in heaven one day but please not soon he he he…I am going to laugh myself to sleep and rest but not in eternal peace yet he he he…

The following never happened…

I saw him from afar. He was looking at his watch. He was glancing every now and then at people passing by. His countenance was laden with fear and uncertainty. I knew he was waiting for me. I was already there across the street…but something told me i should not be there. If only time stood still, perhaps i could have had the time to think. The wind began to blow like a swift reminder of reality. It touched my nape, the dreamy wetness of the air…it reached that place in my soul called my memory and i, i stood there, numb, transfixed, unable to move, yah, numb, numb as dead. I wanted to run to his side, to tell him i will be there…i will be there with each tear, with each laughter, with each dropping of the rain, by his side, all the days of his life. I wanted to touch his face and talk to him of tomorrows, to be there with each rising of the sun, each full moon and each rising of the tide… but i simply couldn’t. I was no longer free…..i was no longer free…and i, i began to walk away, slowly, slowly, i counted each step. With each breath i took, i made a sigh…and each time i raised my head to look back at him i felt that yearning to yah ran back to where i watched him for what seemed like eternity. I stopped. Altogether i stopped walking and turned 360 degrees… and i retraced the heavy steps until i began to run. The beating of my heart merged with the thunder
in the sky….I began to run…..faster and faster beating time….I felt my chest rip apart…I knew it was too painful to go away…and i, i just knew i had to be with him…I shut the shouting in my mind that said i should be going away for good…because i simply could not…why? maybe because i loved him too much…too much..or was it him i loved, or the fact that i knew he loved me that much…was it myself i loved, or was it him…was i even myself?..i had no time for reasons, i only had time to be there…just be there to watch him again, watch the hours pass like sand on an hourglass…

The sun did not come out that fateful day, so we had no sunset to go to, not even a blue sky to watch over us…what were there chanting and dancing? The rain, the wind and the fire in our hearts that refused to die, the embers simply lingered and served as my guiding light…something whispered to me i was doing the right thing, that i was finally going home…to a home that was the person who waited for me for a million years and now was there finally, waiting for that instant when our fiery souls would fuse….i knew it was totally insane,but it was too much to allow that chance to pass..to watch the doors of haven close and to let our hearts wait for another million years thus the yearning and the zeal refused to abandon my feet which took me to where he was, right there where he has been for the past tickings of the clock…or did time even pass?..for to a heart that loves, time is all but irrelevance…

The moment my eyes caught sight of his wet hair, and his eyes that knew me well, that saw beyond the lashes and the brows…i knew i was already caught…caught in a web i myself made…i came closer and closer to him…my heart beating like a thousand drums..to the rhythm of long ago and tomorrow…slowly he moved his head, as if searching for that scent that told him i was already there and we, we looked at each other for the longest time…unable to move, freezed in a time, that was not that time…a time that was long gone, erased from history….erased from memory..that came rushing back the moment our hands touched….it was like finding oneself after a long long time of running away…The beating of our hearts merged and the song they sang was a symphony of humming birds, of crickets in the dark, of the river flowing back to the sea, of the leaves carressed by wind, of babies crying coming out of the womb...it was a sound so beautiful that I began to cry….and like a child, he carried me away…away from the crowd…towards the rain….the rain which cradled our lonely hearts and the sky, the sky grew darker and darker but as we lay side by side somewhere in time…looking at the clouds…we felt that certain peace that only comes once in a lifetime’s rush….. when one breathes his last….

It was a death that had so much meaning….because we began to live again….

… the ticking of the clock, gleefully stopped…

And love found its way at LAST!!!

I just had a chat with one of my male friends Ireneo, long time buddy…a nurse now based in New York. I still have to stifle a laugh when I remember his reaction when I suddenly asked whether he believes that “First Love Never Dies.” Bwahahahahaha he was furious, he freaked out when I told him why I was askin’. I wanted to roll over with glee because I could imagine his face getting red bwahahahaha…He even said “gaga ka” bwahahahaha…His reaction was sort of violent that if didn’t know him that much and if i weren’t this sure of where i stand i would have cried bwahahaha..me crying, no i’m through with crying huuhuhu hehehe.. such a good, upright man he is but kinda naughty too that our conversation veered to sizes of mmmmp and mmmmmp hehehehehe…

He reached the point of almost kickin’ me out of his life and he typed so fast saying I was making him mad and I couldn’t keep up because I was laughing out loud at his reaction. He said he did not trust me in matters of lust because he knew how mischievous I was then…not that I was huh..he just had the impression that I was..no really I wasn’t hehehe.

To make the long story short, I was able to convince him that I am the good person that I am, and nothing will keep me from my heavenly goal. And he said one word that ended the discussion- “GOOD” and i felt like a little girl being given a pat on the head for being yah GOOD hehehe…I love the friendship i have with Ireneo, he loves writing too and i always look forward to talking with him about “sensible” matters, right Inyung? “wink”.

I have been thinking about this for some time now. My main predicament is that I am no good in Math, well to say it bluntly…what’s supposed to be a  no-brainer when it comes to numbers, leaves me open- mouthed gasping for air..I literally freak out hehehe…
I dreamt about that last night, I was back in high school and had to solve an algebra problem…wahahahaha I felt like peeing hehehehe…

I’ll give this the best shot I can though, for the sake of art and my itch for writing while I use up my last two days of being work-free.

HOW TO CONVERT LOVE (ROMANTIC) TO FRIENDSHIP

They say that friends can turn into lovers but lovers can never become friends/”just”friends…I say otherwise…so here is my-

Formula: (hahahaha as if I knew how to make one)

Let’s see what do we have in a romantic love- THE ELEMENTS OF ROMATIC LOVE (hahahaha feeling love expert si Kulasa) I wouldn’t want to place LUST as the number one element, that would be number 3. so number 1 will have to be MAGIC (you know, the sort of feeling you get when you see the person..your Sympathetic Nervous System is activated and your pupils dilate, your heart beat increases as well as your Respiratory rate..include the sweating and getting lost for words, drying up of the throat and the feeling of almost having a heart attack and a seizure episode as the person gets nearer and nearer bwahahaha)..you do not get the same feeling with any other person, so it must be magic..just magic…

2. FIDELITY-…making the person, your ONE and ONLY, the apple of your eye…..no number two..just him/her..the two of you in your created world…and if any one of you ever looks at another boy or girl with admirationcomes JEALOUSY, which could kill huh…crimes of passion says my dad (as if he were an authority hehehe) is more prevalent than any other forms of crime.

3. LUST- you know what I mean….romantic love leads to pregnancy bwahahaha…most specially during the reproductive age..i know you are all well versed about that magnet that draws you near the opposite sex hahahahaha gosh, I am talking about it to the world hahahaha…the work of nature…I do not need to elaborate or I just might not be able to go back to work on Saturday bwahahahaha….i might end up mmmppppp

Gosh, I will be back, I have something to do that can not wait..no not that…I will be back…hehehehe

I’m back..went to the loo he he he no do not believe that hehehe…where was I? Oh, on the formula which i am not sure of anyway but here it goes..

to make love, romantic love 100% that is are the 3 factors combined

so

MAGIC- 30% (10% chance/fate 10%-environmental factors 10%-mental factors)

FIDELITY- there has to be ONLY 1 so- 1%

LUST- taking note of the position thus the number hehehe-69%

thus: M= 30%

F= 1%

L= 69%

——————-

for a grand total of     100%

HAHAHAHAHAHA this is crazy, really hahaha….gosh i am so crazy…the percentages are so erroneous but i’m leaving it that way hehehe….

if you think i am wasting your time by this time leave my page hahaha but if you are as insane as me i would appreciate your reading the rest of the hilarious formula hehehehe

so how is 100% romantic love converted/reduced to friendship?

wait, i will be back, now i need a pencil and a paper seriously hehehe

“Kulasa are you sure you know what you’re talking about?- no i’m not!” hehehe..oooppps sorry that was me talking to myself..now where is that paper and pencil..

Got it..it is really a no brainer huh..if one fully understands the meaning of LOVE..

simply subtract F and L from the M…what is left is the magic of LOVE then add the elements of LOVE from 13Cor- “Love is patient and kind. It is not jealous or conceited or proud. Love is not ill mannered or selfish or irritable….

Magic-30%

+

Patience-20%

+

Kindness-20%

+

Humility-20%

+

Fun- 10%

_____________

FRIENDSHIP

Is that even worth calling a formula hehehe..i do not really care, i just know..it worked!

So now when i say i love you bestfriend, i know i am not saying anything wrong at all because the person is aiming for heaven twice as much as i am! would you believe that and LOL the person figured out the formula long before i did, or so i think because sssshhh that person is good in Math…hehehe….what has Math got to do with friendship and love by the way? mmmmmm “Love makes us multiply” “Hate divides us” and “Friendship adds up the fun in life”……gosh, what love’s magic can do to someone as insane as me….It made me a mathematician *double wink* “no Kulasa, be ashamed, really ashamed…you can never do a simple computation without a calculator, admit it!” -hehehe- “okay fine, but i am proud to say, when it comes to matters of the heart….i can solve equations hmmmm hehehe…

Nothing. I have nothing to say….No, what i actually mean is, i have so much to say…

I am listening to that song….i have been playing it for hours now…

It says it all and i, i am happy you led me to that song…

Now i can go on without hearing you, seeing you

Because that song will be YOU….

I have been attempting to post something since i got the energy to face the monitor and type but this page simply wouldn’t open!… so each time, i just went back to bed but now whoa it did not take me more than 2 minutes to get to this box! ..but i feel sleepy again, would you believe that?  so before i creep back to bed i just want to thank all of you for the prayers, the care and the unconditional love….

 That picture above was taken weeks ago, i never thought i would be able to really make use of it, i just as usual played with myself infront of the cam my ten year old son lovingly clicks for me….the lovingly there comes with phrases that go- “mommy, enough…i’m tired taking pictures of you hehehehe” and i would say, “oh come on kiddo, just one more shot for mommy peleaaase!!!” accompanied with lotsa hugs and kisses hehehe….

One thing i have re-learned from physically bleeding…death is just around the corner…it is with us each second…and one’s age, sex, weight, looks, status- marital, social whatsoever is definitely not an issue…but i still am  a huge fan of life itself hehehe, i am not yet that insane as to choose death (heaven)
over life itself hehehe and besides, i still do not have enough ticket to reach that place or state called heaven…maybe that is the reason i was sent back, to earn more tickets to heaven as a dear friend keeps on telling me hehehe I also keep saying that once you become a parent, you have no right to die early hehehe and boy i was so glad i saw no bright light nor a beautiful stairway when i was knocked down with anesthesia hehehehe and when i woke up in the recovery room with blurred vision, i was sure i was back on earth…why? because i felt a strong urge…to pee hehehe and pee i did but with so much effort huh…..now, i still do not have the stamina to run, and jump and dance…gosh i miss the farm so much but one can not go there without having to walk more than a hundred steps which at this moment could still get me back to death’s door hehehe so i am trying with all my might to follow my own orders to just stick to activities of daily living…or else i just might increase my chance of getting myself before death’s door hehehehe It would be an unforgivable blunder to kill oneself if you are an M.D. hehehe so please pray for me still hehehehe because i believe that no matter how much we cling to this perishable body of ours, when God says come back to me child…we will have to let go and fly to heaven (if heaven it is hehehe)…but now, this moment, this very moment…i want to be alive! with you, with all of you…i am pretty sure i still am..why? gosh i so want to pee if you will excuse me please hehehe nyahahahahaha! i really can not fight the urge anymore…huh, to be alive, to be alive and peeing hehehe………….can i? pleaaaseeeee………..you are most kind, i love you! *double wink*

I just came from the kitchen where i got what my seven year-old son asked for- a glass of milk.  He planted tiny kisses
on my cheeks saying “You are the best mommy in the world!” so though he did not comply to taking an afternoon nap, he again got what he wanted…he has that sweet grin and voice that never fails to melt this heart.

I’m staring at my work schedule for May, marked on my desk calendar and i, i feel already dead tired..i will be on 24 hour duty every three days starting tomorrow…eight duties for this month…I will miss a lot of sleep not to mention pillow fight sessions with the two little boys who’ve been merrily rocking my life since they were born, unplanned but wanted.

For the past days i have been digging my archives…literally…i found a lot of treaures from the past…photographs and memories…pictures of me as a young girl…photos with old pals…happy, innocent faces of ours…

Gazing at my smiling face through the years was like standing in the middle of a crowd….a crowd composed of all of me….the me who was carefree, the me who was reckless..the me who was impulsive and vain and selfish and the me who was nevertheless happy but wild, thoughtless, hasty, careless…i had to talk to myself infront of a mirror to perceive what i have become after many years of pondering and hitting on the keys of life.

There was a time, a long time i mean that i did not want to get near the pile of albums at home. I hated to see the past. I was not yet ready then to see the past. Not when the wound was still fresh. It takes time really, and a lot of emotional pain killers to face one’s fears and aches…for reality to sink in and pull one to that place and time called the present. Am i too old to cry over mom and dad’s parting ways…is anyone ever too old to cry over that? Well i guess not…i am glad i have already come to terms with that fact and i was able to look at our family photos with my brother with no tear falling anymore…i am all grown up…but does anyone outgrow pain? I think no…no…when we came to the world, we were all crying! Ever heard of a baby born laughing?

At present, the hubby is building me the house upon a hill he has promised. We have decided to stay in this country. I have no ability to see the future, no one has really. I wish someone had though hehehehe….Maybe it is another hasty decision, maybe we should be leaving..maybe not…but the thing is…it is the most sane decision at the moment and i am giving in to my desire for simplicity, order and peace in my life, in ourlives…so even though there are desires in this insane heart of mine that so wants to break free and be set free….
i very well know, that “there is no place in this planet where the only existing rule is freedom..where we could choose to believe what we want and not what the society dictates…”

The world is waiting…tomorrow i will have my hands full again….people who could hardly get air into their lungs…babies crying of hunger men and women clamoring for meds to kill their pain…people unknown to me who will depend on this brain and hands for dear life…and this, this life of mine, my own aches, my own silly frustrations and inane, frivolous sentiments will be that- just that….silly, inane, frivolous amidst the rest of the world’s dilemma….and all my drama and nonsense theatrical antics will have to take a back seat hehehehe…for now…for several hours i will treat my mind to wishful thinking..and  dream of the blue sky that i will never be able to touch and the blue sea with waves i will never be able to catch….in time perhaps, in time…somewhere in time hehehe…if God and time allow…

Life as it is now is “now” hehehehe tomorrow, i will reduce this whale of a dreamer’s mind to a heart that heals, a mind that understands and a soul that lives to let live! “Lord, please grant me oncemore, they healing grace!- for this life to remain…as it is…as it is…”

Now, what is infront of a woman, that is at the back of a cow?..we’ve heard the joke over and over again..but that is just the way life is….a series of corny jokes……aaahhhhhh Life as it is….i’m heading for dreamland..wanna come?

Sometimes, a not so clear sky could conjure the most precious of emotions in our mind…the threat of water falling in crystal clear drops stirs feelings of hope, of faith, of happiness even, that makes one sing, that makes one jump with glee for unknown reasons…

It must be, the anticipation of water kissing one’s face, or the beautiful sound that will surely bathe the ground…or the feel of the wind carressing one’s nape…that creates that indescribable sentiment….

I, i looked up the sky and i saw no blue…i saw gray clouds but the ground that waited for the rain….told me that…..you, you will always be there because in love, there is life…

I wanted to talk about the rain…i ended up again..talking about YOU.

Minsan talaga ang tigas ng ulo mo

Anong minsan,
madalas kamo, always kabaliktaran ng never

Hahahaha ay kulasa….minsan talaga ikaw ay sobrang tanga

Ano? Ako tanga? Hehehehe o bakit ano pa ba ang tawag jan?

Kinakausap mo sarili mo para kang timang?

Tapos ipapabasa mo pa sa mundo?

O di ba kabuwangan? Hehehe

Kahapon, maghapon  ka sa terrace, para kang ewan,

May inaantay kang dumaan hahahaha

Eng eng ka talaga minsan

Sabi mo, nagititipid ka lang sa kuryente at ayaw mong gamitin ang aircon

Kaya nag campsite ka dun sa balkonahe

If i know may gusto ka lang makitang dumaan, di mo naman nakita beh!

Tapos ayaw mong aminin hahahahaha

Hay life, natanaw mo yung isang “kite” sa sky, sabi mo wow ang cute

Tapos napansin mo aba dumami ang “kite” sa langit at nasabi mo sa sarili mo-

Mukha silang mga lumilipad na sperm gosh mga lumilipad na sperm sa sky!

Hahahaha

Untog mo na lang ulo mo ron hehehe tapos kumain ka ng polvoron, Goldilocks
dapat

Pagkatapos nun, gagaling ka na, promise…waaaaaaaaa

Mag iisang taon na po ito…

Elp elp elp hehehe

I do not want to get well hehehehe

Blue, blue, my world is blue

Hahahaha pupwede na itong i pa memorize sa contestant sa mis gay hahaha

Teka may pasyente
daw, tama na to…mag do doctor muna ako hehehehe

There are people in our lives who seem like ancient history. We simply can not walk away from them because they are so much a part of us..
.when we look into their eyes, we perceive our own being…like magic…it feels so peaceful…and you begin to wonder what could the person have that makes you feel so at home?

When i look into your eyes, i see myself…but why?..that was such a long long time ago…how could a part of me been left there with you? but it does feel so good…not in the wordly kind of way…could we have been together  longer than we have actually lived on earth? because it does, it does feel that way…and even if most of the time, you say nothing at all..i hear your words, the words you are afraid to say…:

Life is short! so why make it shorter HAHAHA but yah sometimes, shorter and happier is better than longer but sad so what is the point in fighting the feeling? HAHAHA was that me talking? We used to walk a lot together- ancient history hehehe but when i walked with you hours ago, like there was no tomorrow, it felt so right..it just felt so right…and left me wondering all the more…who are you? i mean are you myself? musings…they are keeping me awake! it is 2 AM! and your words from long long ago pull me up..”on the wee hour at night, i felt restless, because you are always appearing in my dreams, the tantalizing eyes that are always teasing me, the sweetest smile in your lips..how can i sleep thinking of you…no doubt a certain kind of feeling was developed, and my heart is whispering these words…” HAHAHA so ancient indeed my friend but it leaves me pondering..why have the words stayed in my brain?..why do you have my eyes? why do you act and speak like me? am i you? are you me? i…am not making any sense…i will try to pull myself back to sleep and if i lay awake still thinking of you

…this, is getting all the more insane hehehehe so what do we do? in dreams it would be to step on that pavement and jump into the green below..in reality…to just..go on…. dreaming!!!

no one, no one could ever surpass the beauty that God made!

no crayon, no paint could ever beat God’s painting!

The ability to see God’s grace is a gift beyond compare..so let us walk…walk in FAITH..until the journey wonderfully ends!..

surely it will end…this LIFE this LIFE borrowed from above…

but as long as you have FAITH, you have LOVE in you…GOD lives in YOU for you are…you are HIS MOST treasured creation!

smile like a child, laugh like a child and believe like a child!

into the soil we will all go one day soon but as long as we keep the FAITH…THIS LIFE WILL HAVE MEANING! BLESSED WEEK EVERYONE!

There is a mark that goes beyond what meets the eye

It gushes in full force

Like the dwindling of the moon light

It marks the end of a season

Welcoming the rays of the sun

When summer comes and birds spring forth into one

One gigantic mound of a thrill

That cocks liberty in a sham

It crawls, it caterwauls,

It rams the building down

And what is left?

A shadow to conceal what is cryptic

A shameless song

Sang in disguise

Beguiling smile…unwrapped galore

Waiting for the turn of events…I dance, I sing

Out of rhythm, out of tune

But nevertheless immune

Immune to pain, immune to happiness

But in tune…

In harmony with tenderness.

Sometimes when we are afraid, we cower in terror…it is inexplicable, that thing called “rage” and we simply stay mum..in loyal servitude but no longer because of love…or was it love all along?…but because of desperation…yet we hang on…if only to gain that strength to finally say- ” i want to be free!”

The words are coming to me

Walking from my hands, up to my brain

Then flowing down, down to my hands again

Lures me, woos me to talk

Of love, of pain, of sorrow and of truth

Coaxing me to speak

To touch, to rhyme…..i am in a trance

A trance…a state of ambiguity…and the words come

Come to me like a silent melody

And oh how i love to let my mind flow

Slow, slow and raw…the feelings come and go

And i sit here…smiling, crying and sighing…

Regrets…love, overflowing love comes into these hands

Off they go…rickity rickity rap on the keys

And i feel the happiness like water turning into wine

Speak to me of tomorrows…burry me deep in your heart

Swallow what tastes bitter and fly into the moon

I swear nothing feels much better

Than speaking from the heart…writing oh writing

You make me glide…glide and slide and whine but shine

I may go..out of the world i could go…yet these will remain

The words that refuse to choke

So off my hands go…..into the dark, into the light

A heart to spark the light…..life is but a voyage

A stage, a phase…and off we will all go

So write when you can…and let the words

Speak what makes the heart weak..and beat…beat until

All of life ends…..

So that something, a thing will remain

Of this flesh that rots in shame-

To Him all glory and honor

All praises and guffaw

Let your hands speak……and let the truth be heard!

Swim into what you do not know

Dare to grow, dare to face sorrow

For life is a battle

Fought by the brave

Go my hands…go and blindly speak my mind

Face what you fear and come back a spear

Solid and sharp

From the darkness into light

And then you can say

It is in pain that we grow

In the dark that we see

In sorrow that we laugh

In bitterness taste sweet

In silence we speak

In hate we love

In enemies we learn

Right?

Rite

Write!

This is a result of having walked to the farm this weekend.

I am on a very pensive state now….I have to once and for all make a firm decision.

Do I leave the country? Or do I stay?

I grew up loving my fatherland. If there is anything that the Department of Education has done well, it is the fact that I am a living testament to how good the Filipino social studies teachers are at instilling the value of patriotism to the youth. My high school teacher though, has already journeyed to the afterlife and yah I am praying for his soul. He is alive in my heart as that person who taught me nationalism.

I remember having found an old book at grandma’s room…it talked about a young boy. The story of the moth that disobeyed his mother so enthralled me as much as it enchanted that little boy there named Jose. I could still vividly picture the scene where one of his slippers fell off the river and he threw away the other pair so that anyone who will find it would still have good use of it.

I was a young girl who fell in love with the little boy in the small almost torn book with yellow pages…little did I know then that I was reading no less than the childhood days of the Philippines’ greatest hero.

I am no good at memorizing dates, which is the core of history. I do not even know the year that Magellan landed on the island of Mactan (was it Mactan?hehehehe)…but when it comes to loving this country, I could proudly lead the queue to Luneta and assert that I am a worthy citizen. I pay my taxes. I serve the Filipino people for a wage that is less than what is due my profession to say the least. I never fail to exercise my right to suffrage each Election Day to vote for politicians whom I deem are most worthy of the position and even if they never win, at least my conscience is clear, that I at least did my part. I am no perfect citizen that I discern but I am trying my best each day to act before I complain.

Now, the dilemma I am in is whether to give up on this nation and fly to the arms of another state, swear allegiance to a foreign land and earn more or to stay here, literally serving my fellow Filipinos, at least comfortable and not dying of hunger but with no material gain whatsoever.

I know that one could still manage to serve the country from afar but

somebody or a part of the population will have to stay home for this

crestfallen country to survive.

Ask me at this very moment and I will exclaim- “I am eager to stay!” I will not however volunteer to be shot first at Luneta because at this era in our history, heroes do not have to die! They must live if only to prove to the rest of the world that we may be one of the poorest on earth- but we have physicians crazy enough to say- “I was born here, I was educated here so I will serve the Filipino people and when the time comes to die, I will gladly be buried right here, right here at the very heart of the land that I SO DEARLY LOVE!”

“Ibaba ang mga armas- huwag munang bitayin ang doktor na nagpapaalipin dalhin muna sa Mental sa Mandaluyong at doon gamutin hehehehehehe! “ malala na po ba ako? “kindat”

I walk over the bridge

 a soul lost in my own soul

Like a voyager to a lost city

Out of grief, out of sorrow

I  find myself

Jumping into the water below

Yet what is it i am hearing?

A song, a song from long ago

Ebbing its way into the solace of my dreams

A dream, a dream from long ago

Water under the bridge

It entices me, it begins to rule me

Come, come and give an end to it all dear

Stop that melody, stop the malady

I  hear the water splashing

Off down the water I go…

Burying the past, wallowing in grief

Surrendering to the pain of it all

And yah ending it all

The misery of insanity

And yet….something pulls me up

Like a halo from the sky

Light pierces into the deep

Carrying me over the surface

Like a baby born too soon

To a life that ceases to cease

A love that is true…never drowns

Never burns

Never rusts

Never………….ever…………dies……… 

nandito na naman ako

si kulasang walang magawa

walang magawa kundi tumunganga

gusto kong magkwento

pero sana pigilan ako

ng mga kamay kong malikot pa sa alas singko

 kahapon kase

napadpad ako

sa kabilang mundo….

hehehehehehe

di ko naman sinasadya..mas lalo namang di ko plinano

di ko talaga alam na mangyayari ang lahat…

naligo lang naman ako, sumakay…naglakad…paano ako doon napadpad

nakarating ako sa mundo nya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

at nagulat ang lahat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

malay ko ba na may alam sila

at malay ko ba talaga na makakarating ako dun

pero may karapatan naman akong magpunta dun a

di naman sa kanya yung lugar…

at bahagi din naman ako ng institusyon hehehehe

o mas marapat sabihing naging bahagi

pero mundo pa rin nya yun…

mundo na niya…na pinasok at binulabog ko

pero malay ko nga…malay ko nga na may alam sila

hehehehehe

kung hindi siguro baliw ang tawag sa kin, tanga hahahahaha

sabi nya inom daw ako ng tugmulodon 500x

ano yun sabi ko…iuntog mo ulo mo dun 500x paliwanag nya sabay may hahahaha

aaaahhhhhhh tama ba namang nakinig ka kase sa lecture nya ng buong period hahahahaha

e malay ko ba na sa tabi ng faculty room ang klasrum nya e si notch e nagpunta sa faculty room at ako e naiwan doon

hahahahaha matindi pa daw ako sa principal mag observe at pinatapos ko hanggang goodbye and thank you….

ito naman kasing si Notch na maganda sabi antayin namin siya

e ako naman itong isang maganda (magandang sampalin hehehehe) tao lang naman po na marunong humanga…matulala at magdrama

ayun, ayun i put him in a di ko maalala adjective nya basta in an awkward o awful situation daw

hehehehehe malay ko ba kasi na nagkwento na sya noon

akala ko naman anonymous ako doon hahahahaha

hindi na ko makakabalik doon waaaaaa….

naiwan ko pa naman ang puso ko doon hahahahaha

puso lang naman kulasa di naman pustiso ok na yun hehehehe

ang tigas kasi ng kulit mo e sinabi nang di puwede,

mag borrow ka man ng 1 from 2

ano yun? to balance the equation

ewan ko kase BS MATH ako- bobo sa Math hahahaha

kaya nga ako napalapit sa kanya nun e kase bobo ako sa math

hehehehe kaya salamat na din naging bobo nga ako sa math

pero wag mong ilihis ang usupan kulasa…

ano nagsisisi ka ba?

hmmmmm on the count of three sagot ko..hindi

kasi nakita ko siya…narinig ko siya kahit sandali lang

ok na yun…sa mga taong sawi sandali lang na ligaya nakakalunod na

hahahahahaha

kung tama ba yun o hindi…bahala na…nagdasal ako doon sa simbahan

pagkagaling ko doon kung saan naging makulay ang langit at tumahimik ang dagat

pumayapa ang mundo ko sa isang iglap…kahit na minsang nawaglit ang isipan ko sa kung sino ako ninais kong lumundag sa dalampasigan na noo’y nasa aking harapan…

kase nga…masyado nang nakaka insane…nakaka insane pero masaya…

masaya na malungkot…it is all water under the bridge now sabi nga nya…

pero haaayyyy…..aaaahhhhhhhh ewan….ewan..bahala na si batman…

The old woman goes there everyday
Waits in vain
Even if she knows that yah she is waiting in vain
But she patiently sits there, on that same spot everyday
Everyday without fail…
She would gaze at the blue sky and laugh alone
Then shed tears…that will always fall on the same spot
On her lower lip
The salty taste of it will mingle with the smile
That never fails to shine
When she remembers that the one she waits for
Has long been gone
And she would every time ask herself
Why the smile?
And she would answer with the same thing every time
The end of something is better than its beginning
Then she would silently retrace her steps
Walk towards home
And mumble silently a name from long ago
Her walking stick would guide her through the way
She would trip once in a while
But she vows to go there again tomorrow
Until the morrows fade away….

sunsetzens

1.     My ultimate dream is to reach heaven someday…..wherever that is…never aimed to become rich as in filthy rich…I guess that is why I still am what I am now…neither poor but neither rich hahahaha but contented yah…that’s it…I so love simplicity…we live in a complex round thing called earth…’might as well keep things simple.

2.     When I fail to attend your party it doesn’t mean I do not like you…it just means I’d rather stay home and look after the kids…but I can always offer comfort and care when it comes to grim matters as mourning, weeping and all between life and death matters…

3.     I am a romantic…wouldn’t say hopeless because am not hahahaha….i simply can not ignore it when you tell me I was the best you ever had hahahaha…and the line “you killed something in me” is something I will never forget…when I say I love you I really do but I keep it a point to stay where I am supposed to stay….wouldn’t want sheer passion to keep me away from my goal which is number 1 hehehehe

4.     I love my kids more than anyone or anything in the world….i guess when God gives you souls to take care of it really changes you…the woman who once aimed for career advancement and glory turns into that person called a Mother….

       M-ellow

           O-ptimistic

           T-houghtful

           H-onest

           E-ncouraging yet

           R-estless hahaahaha

5. I do not eat red meat. I do not drink alcohol, not even soft drinks and coffee…used to anyway. I do not eat chips or any junk foods for that matter. I drink eight to ten glasses of water a day. I love feasting on veggies and fruits. Eating a healthy diet is something I blurt around a hundred times to patients each duty so I have to abide by it otherwise I am unfit to do what I do however  I can stay away from salty and fatty meals but I can not just say no to cake, ice cream and chocolate! My face looks thin but I am not from below my breast down hahahaha…that is something I will be working on soon (hope so) hehehehehe no not the breast enlargement hahahaha….I will have to exercise more often oh that would have to be rephrased as I need to exercise because I actually do not..yet hahahaha my idea of work out is at present just “that”  “wink”.

6. I can not sing! My friends walked out on me twice when I sang in public hahahaha. High notes could lead me to my deathbed no kidding hahahaha. But I love music. If I fancy a song I could play it over and over again like crazy until my housemates beg me to stop (usually it’s my dad who would hahahaha)….oh wait but my dad could sing, I consider his singing intellectual singing, you know the kind that is enhanced through practice hahahaha…when I was in grade 4 I think I asked him to teach me how to sing because I envied my classmates who could chant the menudo hits without effort; I really presumed singing was something learned hahahaha….and dad even wrote the lyrics of the song “You don’t have to say you love me” on the board and taught me the melody line per line hahahahaha we must have looked funny, I wouldn’t want to say stupid nonetheless hahahaha. I have to add that my current fave song is one that bro Alfon posted on my profile from youtube…it actually topped all the comments on my Absolute Insanity but of course not surpassing Blue’s surprise remark (I thought he would deny everything and accuse me of plagiarism and invasion of privacy when I simply quoted everything he mailed me hehehehe)..to everyone who read it and cried with us thank you so much! Oh on the song sent by bro Alfon…the title is “Love is Blue” hahahahaha.

7. I love flora but not much fauna…the last pet I really loved and cherished was Sweetheart- the dog who would go to mass and parties with me…found dead on the street some ten years ago…never fell in love with another one after him (first love dog never dies?hehehehe) ..we have an aquarium which the kids and hubby maintain but since coming to age I lost that whimsical feeling that used to engulf me each time I look into an aquarium filled with bubbles and corals I guess I just do not like the idea of living things being kept in man-made habitat….i would rather see them free…oh last week, hubby bought a new fish…colored Blue as in Blue so I get to see Blue every waking morning and that more than makes my day.

I have several plants but haven’t spent much time with them lately. they must be missin’ me hehehehe.

8. I have one of the worst handwritings in the world…thank God for computers….if I wrote you a letter and you understood every word and punctuation mark in it that means I really put a lot of effort into it which could only mean you are  so special to me “wink”. I get the feeling the nurses are cursing me each time I turn them over the chart hehehehe I always get a knock on the door after making my rounds simply for queries on what I wrote…I will, I will do something about that soon.

9. I hate taking in medications. Do not raise your eyebrow on that one please…I just do believe and actually can attest to the healing power of the human body itself and the one Above…for simple headaches, fever and pain I just drink lots of water, sleep and rest and pray a lot…”Lord just make me breathe well again please…it is enough for me that I can see, I can touch, I can hear.” It works most of the time.

10. Still not half way through it…what more can I say….mmmm on shopping…I do love to shop but it is something I do not often engage in…but when I do, usually with my sister in law…we could actually spend the whole day just shopping meaning from when the mall opens to when it closes hahahaha…but I am frugal…ilocana at heart that explains the length of time spent on looking for nice buys….

11. I love taking pictures of myself hahahahaha…..i just love capturing my emotions…..like when I am sad…I get that magical thinking that somehow the lens will suck up the pain and sorrow  and when I am happy I love looking at my joyful reflection.

12. A lot of my close friends in the past have said that I am weird…perhaps it is true. What made them say so? I don’t know…they find me eccentric maybe because I am someone who could both be happy and sad at the same time…insane? Hehehehehe huhuhuhuhu…..by the way…most of my sentences end with hehehehehehe…can’t help it hehehehehe…

13.The sky never fails to erase my boredom on earth because I love blue.

14. Mmmmmmm this post wouldn’t have been written by me if I failed to mention Piolo Pascual hahahahahahaha….there is just something in his eyes that tells me the world is a beautiful place to live in….i do not care whether he is gay or anything…hehehehehehe

15. I love teaching. I was a teacher for around four years, I guess..did it full time for the first three years then part time after that…I ran out of time for the kids, not to mention even myself so I quit…but I kinda miss it sometimes…for one, I miss speaking this language hehehehehe..thinking actually of going back to the academe next school year…my former students are now volunteer nurses in the hospital some are already gainfully employed here and abroad and I get that proud feeling each time I see one for the first time again like wow….i contributed to what he or she has become and nothing can replace that emotion.

16. I am childish. …oh more of childlike. I am sentimental, I cry over spilled milk and laugh at the silliest joke.

17. My palms and soles sweat like hell hahahahaha….i could drown you in my hands, no kidding….relaxed or tensed I still sweat huh no sweat because I have gotten used to it…always bringing a hanky with me ..a small towel, the works…washing my hands and feet with my urine as advised by old folks..did it…didn’t work hehehehe…so I just live with it. I can live without perfume but friends overseas would give me scents from time to time so i wear them if only to take away the smell of death and blood when am on duty hehehehe.

18. I could sleep for hours and just look into space for minutes when I am dead tired…I could stay awake for a full twenty four hours but when my brains stops working I will just fall unconscious on the floor…had two episodes of such as an intern…so now I make it a point to rest whenever I can at work and to boost my brain with just enough glucose to keep it working in high gear all the time because it simply can not afford to

malfunction while on duty hehehehe.

19. I read while in the comfort room…period. Hehehehehe

20. I love the sunset.

21. I love myself. It is something I learned in the past twelve months. We can never have enough love to give to others unless we first love ourselves.

22. I do not talk a lot when meeting someone for the first time.

23. I have the rare talent of being able to tolerate irritating people and of listening to aches and pains and not getting annoyed; of being able to wait even for hours for someone I love; of forgiving; and of putting on a smile even when dead tired but not when sad at heart.

24. I am a friend for life which means we may lose contact but you will always be in my heart and prayer.

25. Oh wow I finally reached the end….my real name is ******ZENSERLY****** but not with the stars ha hehehehe.

So that wraps it up….at first twenty five seemed myriad but gee I feel I still failed to mention some things hehehehehe….these all started with Joanie’s post…been tagged by Tes and Beth….i guess I have no one left to tag now from salitype so i’m tagging Mace, Maribeth, Ireneo, Gil II, Eileen, Mariel and Blue (?) hehehehehe…thank you for staying awake while reading or hey are you? heheheheheehehehe…and hehehehe again.

I just faced death again….or would rather say faced the death of someone….i’ve been deeming to talk about that 5 lettered word for the past months now but somehow it escaped my mind because thoughts of love and all its ruses took over it…but tonight…tonight when it is supposed to be hearts day…i heard a heart stop beating again….i couldn’t perceive it beating inside another man’s chest and i stood there….praying for it to make a sound….half believing it when i did hear it going lub dub lub dub when i laid the stet on his chest for the 5th time…i knew it was just the medication we gave him somehow but i did not want to be the one to say he is gone this time…no not today…i did not want to say the words and with faith and hope i sent him off where somehow they could revive him still…and i, i am here….waiting for the ambulance to return….knowing in my heart what the nurses would tell me…that he succumbed to life beyond nonetheless and our attempts to bring him back to life were futile…and again i say to myself…”Lord, thy will be done.”….

Yet death is a fact….it is not just plausible because it is a certainty…a reality….that we will all have to face someday….that someday may be today….tomorrow….any time….any time….any time the Lord can take this life….and i embrace that truth now…with confidence…or is it confidence that i feel or merely amusement still….that these fingers of mine working through the keys could suddenly just stop moving…and i…i will be not a thing…nothing…nothing but dust and dirt underneath the earth….

Man has been searching long and hard for a way to stop this body from corrupting…..from being engulfed by bacteria…from turning into a hard, cold mass….from returning to ash…..yet no one has found the fountain of youth yet….and no one ever will because we were made to perish….i have come to terms with that fact months ago…

What are we left to do?………..to somehow make this life a life having been lived to the fullest?…………….it is so difficult to turn away from the world of materialism…we are all slaves of comfort, of greed and endless dissatisfaction….a young man asked Jesus how he can enter the Kingdom of God and Jesus answered….leave your belongings…carry your cross and follow me….and the man became very sad because he was very rich….

I am at a point in my life where i am trying to veer my wheel towards the road less travelled by….and i admit….i am not even half way through it….or have i even let God take the wheel for me…

‘tis a challenge to defy death…through goodness and full service to the Almighty but it is a trial i am willing to go through…if only to ascertain…entry into life beyond this earthly life….

“Lord…thy will be done….”

What do you do when someone tells you a lie?

will you just lie in bed and pretend you did not hear the lie

or pray to God for the lies to stop

or probe into the lie

or lie to yourself and say he did not ….

 tell a lie

I usually cannot write when i am sick…sick as in sick hmmmmm what does that mean? Sick as in bed ridden….now i am just sick…sick as in still kickin…on duty that is hehehehehe….i’ve been down with the flu officially since yesterday….but when hubby called to tell me he’d finally go with me to the mall to view Piolo Pascual and Angel Locsin’s movie i threw all my sadness away hehehehehe….the movie?hmmmm it wasn’t as good as i thought it would be….didn’t make me cry as in cry to the max….i was only holding a tissue paper because i had to wipe away my nasal secretions hehehehehe….and i wasn’t so happy about being the one who paid for the ticket….

THIS ONE IS BASED ON A TRUE STORY…..

        He was there…..just as he promised he’d be…..looking intently at me…his eyes were talking to me again…and i wanted to fly…have you ever felt that shuddering feeling that creeps from the tips of your fingers to your chest…making your heart beat like a thousand drums…..aaaaahhhhhh sometimes i wish i hadn’t met him at all because each time i see him i die….i die a million times or more…..he was smiling and i couldn’t stop myself from drawing closer and closer to him….nearer to the setting sun….i’ve written about this moment so many times already that when finally i was in that oh so exquisite setting….i was so mesmerized i couldn’t believe my eyes….and i was there…just there….stuck and struck by the beauty of his countenance…his face was so unlike other faces i have ever seen….because…he looked exactly like me….save for the dimple on his cheek….for a moment or two i wanted to turn my back and walk away….to run as fast as i can…”why taste something you could never own?” my mind was yelling at me in a matter-of-factly tone…..and i…….i was frozen…..in time..in space…and i just stood there looking at him…at the face that has long been etched in my memory that even if he faded right then and there i still would be able to paint each curve…each line on his face…..aaaahhhhhh insanity……

        The sun was bidding goodbye to the day……and all we had was that certain time in history…..all we had was that one ending of a day…..as i turned my head to keep my hair from obscuring my vision i felt the cold breeze caressing my face and i heard laughter somewhere along the coast….the water started tickling my toes….i was afraid…yes i was so afraid but i was that close to happiness that i mustered all the strength left in the insane being that was me and started to walk…nearer and  nearer to the man watching the setting of the sun….

        He was still there….making funny gestures…playing the part we carefully planned….to make this day….a day in neverland….when finally i was beside him….our eyes locked….the sun seemed to dance as it took on a raging yellow hue that blended with the sky’s violet-blue….i felt rain on my cheeks as the dam that kept the tears from falling finally gave way…..my shoulders shook and he carefully drew me close, held my face with his hands and wiped away the tears with his thumbs…”please do not cry,” he said “remember…this time…this place…now and here is all we have..all we will ever have so please stop weeping” he said while giving me that oh so childish grin while winking his eyes that were so like mine….i knew i woudn’t be able to stand his chagrin so in desperation i turned away for a minute….wiped what was left of the tears and started laughing out loud like crazy…………….to be continued…

Today is the first day my 10 year old son rode a bike to school. I must admit it scared the hell out of me. It took him a lot of patience to ask for my approval. He had to ask permission from everyone in the family- from his little bro’s opinion to Mama grandma’s “OK just wear a hat”. Of course the men agreed at once giving him tips about how to cross the street….what to do in intersections…My dad bought him new brakes for the bike which my husband installed last Sunday. I was mumbling disagreements all the while and the four of them, my dad, hubby, and two sons would simply chuckle and smile and chorus in mischievous laughter at my dilemma. Aaaaaaah men just don’t get it most of the time…I mean the worrying we women have to go through when it comes to the kids…. They weren’t the ones who carried the child in the womb for nine months and spent nights just watching the baby sleep afraid they just might suddenly stop breathing and yah not to mention going through the arduous labor and delivery process that is as difficult as one could ever imagine especially during that oh so deleterious first time. They don’t experience that feeling of extreme anxiety that feels as though something snaps out of your chest when you hear screaming on the street or a sudden thud or a vehicle blowing horn too afraid that your child might be out there.

I was preparing to say the rosary when I got my son Francis’ text message that he safely arrived in school….haaaaay and what a sigh of relief that was. I will be making myself so busy at around five this afternoon so that I wouldn’t get crazy thinking about him again riding the bike back home. Oh the many things mothers have to go through…I wouldn’t want to think about the scenarios I will have to be in merely three years from now when he enters his teens- a girl breaking his young heart (been quite a bad girl once so too afraid of karma hehehehe) or his peers wooing him into taking in drugs aaaahhhhh countless qualms.

I remember that day when my six year old son Roel first crossed the street on his own. He asked for my consent and of course the protective mother that I am I disagreed at once calling on his “kuya” to go with him but my husband was quick to intervene and said while winking at me with that sheepish grin of his“Go ahead son…here’s what you should do- look towards the right side, the left making sure there isn’t any vehicle coming then when you’re a hundred percent sure all is clear go go go hehehehehe.”I wouldn’t rest my case and said “Oh come on let his kuya go with him this one last time please.” I was hoping for a victory when Roel blurted out- “Mommy when will I ever learn if you don’t let me try?!” Hahahahahahahaha you could imagine the look of triumph on his dad’s face when we heard the six year old speak and I said in forced surrender “Aaaaahhh you go ahead with whatever you want Pagduan if anything happens to that little son of yours I swear you’d see the worst of me!”HAHAHAHAHA. My son would cross the street alone once in a while now without telling me and when he finally comes back home without me even knowing he went to the store he would say- “Mommy I crossed the street, I didn’t die!” He would utter the word die in such an innocent manner you would forget what it actually meant and I would in shock say every time “What did you just say? Come here you little rascal!” and I would tickle him until he cries in laughter and sweet surrender saying “Mommy mommy I’m going to wet my pants if you don’t stop!” hehehehehe

Haaaaayyy… I threw away the chance to be a specialist to yah be there, simply be there for my two angels. If I were still single when I got my license I would have gone into specialty and sub specialty training but with Francis and Roel in my life …I am content just being a general practitioner and a full time mother…I simply couldn’t ask for more.thnk you Lord for wonderful nights with cis n roel….

Just before sunset on my last 24 hour duty for 2008….God made me realize once more that everything I have now is simply borrowed….

Attended to a dead on arrival Vehicular Accident Victim, May His soul rest in peace…but also assisted the delivery of a baby Boy at about the same hour…………..

To God be the Glory…..

“Grant me Oh Lord thy healing grace that I may serve you well…’til my own life’s sunset…..”

I have just finished preparing the kid’s clothes and mine…….put the fruit salad in the fridge….the only thing I made for tonight’s birthday celebration…my husband says he’s going to cook “patatim”……uhhhh I wouldn’t eat a bit of it…..too unhealthy hehehehe……..i have already placed the gadgets we’ll be needing tonight in the van, our sleeping mat and our small tv..Later , I will also have to carry this PC and tuck it in for the journey……….because we are going to spend December 24 this year at a Police station!

Yah you read it right at a Police station………so we practically have to bring everything from pillows to mattress……..the kids were hesitant about it at first because they wanted to spend the night with their cousins…but we all got no choice but to spend it 2 meters from the jailhouse!

Last year we all spent New Year’s eve in the hospital…….the next day my reliever didn’t make it so I practically spent December 31, 2007 and January 1, 2008 on straight duty. This year I’m lucky to be with my family both December 24 and 31………

Yet it is going to be something different today……being the head of the station my hubby needs to be there and I do understand the weight of the responsibility so bizarre as it may seem I agreed to celebrate Christ’s birthday there….after all God was born on a manger……devoid of earthly garb, so humble and meek…….and the season is not about exchanging expensive gifts or feasting on sumptuous meals but a time for us to remember that “God so loved the world that He gave us His only begotten son that whosoever believes in Him, may not die but have eternal life……” I hope to, really hope to meet Him in one of the prisoners or more tonight………….

Have to go now!!!!!!!!!! May Christ be with all of you- today and forever!

Here you are again…

Staring at his face

And here you are again

Crying tears in vain…

Covering the pain

Covering the shame

He does look so familiar…

For has it not been a face

You cradled in your heart for many years

Has it not been the same face

You made a promise to a long long time ago

How do you forget that voice?

The voice that gave you life

The voice that taught you how to write…

The eyes that taught you how to love

But you left him

A long long time ago

So why bother now?

Why be hurt now?

Why is it so painful to see him smile

At someone else not you?

That is so selfish of you my dear

Let him go…

Let him go now…

Let him find happiness

Let him be himself

Give him back what you killed then

Bring it back to life and leave him again

Go away while you still can

Stop this senseless yearning

Kill the love

Kill the pain

Let him be happy and simply walk away

Walk away or forever stay…

A prisoner of yesterday…

ONE THING THAT HAS ALWAYS PUZZLED ME TIME AND AGAIN IS THE

FACT THAT WE CANNOT NATURALLY SEE OUR OWN FACE…NOT UNLESS

WE LOOK AT OUR REFLECTION OF COURSE…

MAYBE IT IS BECAUSE GOD HAS INTENDED FOR US TO PERCEIVE

OURSELVES THROUGH THE EYES OF OUR FELLOWMEN…. TO VIEW OUR

IMAGE AS EITHER GOOD OR BAD BASED ON OUR ATTITUDE TOWARDS

OTHERS AND HOW THEY WOULD REACT…WHAT IF WE AREN’T ABLE TO

REALLY CATCH A GLIMPSE OF OUR FACE…NO MIRRORS…NO REFLECTION

ON WATER….NO CAMERAS…WOULD THAT PERHAPS MAKE EVERY GOOD

LOOKING PERSON HUMBLE AND EVERY NOT SO GOOD LOOKING PERSON

HAPPY? PERHAPS WE WOULD SPEND MORE TIME LOOKING CLOSELY INTO

EACH OTHER’S EYES TO PERCEIVE OUR OWN EYES AND PERHAPS JUST

MAYBE IT WOULD MAKE US UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER

BETTER…SPENDING TIME TO TELL EACH OTHER WHAT NEEDS TO BE

FIXED OR GROOMED IN EACH OTHER’S FACE INSTEAD OF TALKING TO

ONESELF IN THE MIRROR AND JUDGING ONESELF BASED ON BIAS…

OR MAYBE GOD HAS INTENDED FOR US TO REALLY LOOK AFTER OUR

BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN CHRIST…I DO BELIEVE THAT THE

BETTER LOOKING A PERSON IS (BECAUSE IT IS A

FACT THAT SOME PEOPLE REALLY ARE MORE

BLESSED WITH LOOKS THAN OTHERS) THE

GREATER IS HIS/HER RESPONSIBILITY TO BE

GOOD TO OTHERS AND TO SHOW TO THE WORLD

THAT BEAUTY MUST NOT ONLY BE SUPERFICIAL

BUT MUST ENCOMPASS THE HEART AS WELL…IT IS SAD THAT SOMETIMES MOST

PEOPLE DO NOT ACT AS GOOD AS THEY LOOK AND THAT SOME PEOPLE

ACT EVEN WORST THAN THEY ALREADY LOOK…OR DOES LOOKS REALLY

MATTER? IT IS UNDENIABLY A MAJOR FACTOR IN THE SHAPING OF ONE’S

PERSONALITY…A GIRL WITH AN UPTURNED OR FLAT NOSE…TEASED

TIME AND AGAIN BY PLAYMATES WOULD TURN OUT TO BE VERY SHY

AND WITH VERY LOW SELF ESTEEM….SOMEONE WITH THE SKIN OF

IVORY, BLUE EYES…HIGH BRIDGED NOSE CONSTANTLY PRAISED WOULD

BECOME A PERSON WITH CONFIDENCE AND GRANDEUR…

’BUT THEN AGAIN LOVE AND NURTURING COULD TURN

A NOT SO GOOD LOOKING CHILD INTO A WOMAN/MAN

OF GRACE AND ELEGANCE…NOT THE KIND THAT IS

MADE BY JEWELRIES, EXPENSIVE CLOTHES, MAKE UP

AND PERFUME BUT A SOPHISTICATION THAT IS

DEFINED BY A COMPASSIONATE HEART, A HUMBLE

DISPOSITION AND A SMILE THAT COULD BURN HATRED,

BUILD BRIDGES AND HEAL THE ILL”

ON THE CONTRARY EVEN THE MOST PHYSICALLY GORGEOUS WOMAN

COULD BECOME A VERY LONELY PERSON IF NOBODY MAKES HER FEEL

THAT SHE IS…

I SAW A CHILD THE OTHER DAY WITH CLEFT LIP AND PALATE WHO WAS

SMILING OH SO SWEETLY AND I SAID TO MYSELF AAAH BEAUTY IS

REALLY IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER WHICH LED ME TO THESE-

PHASES IN FACES:

FIRST PHASE- RECOGNIZE HOW YOU LOOK, FACE THE MIRROR..FACE THE

PROBLEM IF A PROBLEM IT IS

SECOND PHASE- ACCEPT WHAT YOU SEE

THIRD PHASE- SMILE AND YOU WILL SEE THAT WHATEVER IT IS THAT

YOU FIRST SAW WITHOUT THE SMILE WILL TURN INTO THE MOST

RADIANT FACE ON EARTH

FOURTH PHASE- LOVE WHAT YOU BEHOLD AND KEEP THE SMILE

FIFTH PHASE- SPREAD THE LOVE…SMILE AT OTHERS AND MAKE THEM

FEEL LOVED…

AND THEN PERHAPS EVERYTHING ON EARTH WILL BE BEAUTIFUL ONCE

MORE…AS GOD HAS INTENDED IT TO BE…

IT IS CHRISTMAS TIME ONCEMORE AND A SMILE OF

RECOGNITION  COULD

BE THE BEST GIFT A PERSON COULD EVER RECEIVE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS FACES EVERYONE!

If i could choose which path to walk

I still would choose the path that talks

Of summer nights with nameless folks

Of forest tunes and silly jokes

Of monkey smiles and bird delights

That mark the start of twilight nights

I walk this day to tomorrow’s nest

A humble witness to God’s day of rest….

In tune with love i still would choose to walk

Than ride to emptiness….

A helpless rhyme with God’s caress will lead to happiness

————————————————————–

On duty
on a Saturday...was browsing the files of the PC...stumbled upon a picture of a
forest...

                   Got inspired to write words
that rhyme

                   And i guess...yah i will..i
will always choose this simple life...with nature just around the corner...God’s
great gift to us...

I guess i
will always be...the girl from the barrio...

——————-

MY plan for the day is to sleep as long as I can….tomorrow I am going into another tour of duty…that means 28 hours of listening to other people’s hearts and lungs…..never less than 50 hearts in a day…but I never attempt to listen to my own chest…afraid I might hear something awfully wrong and die on the spot hehehehe….

Sometimes- I mean always… it takes a lot of sheer concentration to extract the difference between a beating heart and a non-beating heart…when faced with the grueling situation of trying to determine whether the person has a pulse or not and I really cannot feel any nor hear any sign of life…I always pray- “God let me please be wrong…tell me it is my ears that are impaired and that I am just not listening well enough…”uuuh I remember one time…I was so busy that  I got rattled when they brought in a patient who looked awfully traumatized…I couldn’t hear a thing when I laid the stethoscope on his chest but he was conscious and coherent and I asked myself randomly in silence- “what’s wrong?..what’s wrong?…why can’t I hear a thing..and then grasping the stet’s tube I realized I had two stethoscopes hanging on my neck…and I had the bell of one on the patient’s chest…the earpiece of the other on my ears hahahaha…..good thing nobody noticed but I couldn’t help but share my blooper to the rest of the staff when we finally stabilized the client…

Tomorrow is another entire day of listening to people’s aches and sorrows….another day of writing with a pen hopeful cures to a myriad of ailments…another day of probably pulling a baby’s head out of a mother’s womb into life’s uncertainties….hopefully and I really fervently pray it wont be a day of anyone’s death….Today my heart is beating in a regular rhythm, tomorrow it will be going into another beat-stop-beat-stop rhythm as I go on with the challenge of saving and preserving other people’s lives….God will be my consultant as ever….

This is the life that I chose years ago…I love it down to the smallest detail….when not on duty…I am the simple woman that I am, devoid of richness and material grace…living in a small room….with two kids and a loving husband…to God be the glory…..in simplicity I am happy…in his goodness my spirit prospers…

“Grant me Lord your healing grace that I may serve you well.”

Today I sleep…tomorrow I literally live and let live….

A story of Love in someone’s life- I’ve written 14 years ago in two poems for two hearts…

And I died

Soon as I lost control of my will

And I gave in to the call of fire…of burning fire

The thin wall finally collapsed

And I found no reason to retreat

There was no chance to contemplate

Not when all was silent and waiting to hear

And all was dark and waiting to reveal

I closed my eyes and without a word

It happened.

And I killed the years behind and welcomed you.

It was deafening the silence

And I quivered with each touch..

And I thought that frenzy was absurdity…but

It was real

And I was finally ready to kill myself before that casket

And so I died with that KISS…

Only to live again before the day!

THE DAWN

of Oct. 22, 1993

It is easy to decipher the story…with the second poem written eight months after that fateful dawn…

Your silence kills me

Slowly like the vengeance of a murdered

And your eyes look out into the vastness of space

Which I cannot attempt to trespass

More so to conquer

Yet I was once that space that envelopes you now

…but there was no space because I filled the vacuum

But it was always as if you were there

Yet you were not!

And it was that strange that doubt ultimately rivaled my strength and was victorious

And the castle that we so built tall…the waves washed away…

But was it vile to delve for orgy?

When everything was placid and serene

That I almost grew deaf?

When everything was bright and beautiful that I almost grew blind?

Please walk away and fill up another’s vacuum

As I had another’s

The string remains but I shall cut it now

That we may not build just another

Ephemeral castle…

SANDCASTLES

June 27,1994

She was eighteen…She was wild and she was free…

Seven months ago she said-

“Looking back now…I wish I could have stayed for just one sunset

Even just one sunset…if I could I would…if I only could….”

But time…is a thing nobody owns…NO BODY could ever own….

Pagbukas ko ng pintuan ay aking natanaw

Mga dahong di gumagalaw

Di na luntian kundi dilaw…

Naghihintay na silay pumanaw

Sa daan ay aking isayaw

Ngunit ang aking mga kamay

Ayaw tumahan sa pagtangan

Sa mga letrang ibig kaulayaw

Makapaghihintay ang mundong ibabaw

Ngunit ang mundo ng aking pananaw

Kailangang ibuhos na kundi’y kusang babatingawngaw

malulunod ang pusong nagsusumigaw

mawawala ang mga salita

ang tula ay maanod…

at muli ako ay matutulog

at sa panaginip na lang magpapatianod

itong mga salitang naipon sa ibabaw ng puntod…

i declared a person dead just three hours ago….aaaah it never feels good..why would it feel good afterall…sometimes i wish it weren’t part of the job but unfortunately it is…unfortunately it is…i am sleepy now…not yet dead tired just sleepy and my back hurts from suturing someone’s vagina just minutes ago…aaaahhhh but i love this life….i love this life…

early morning sunlight- calling us to salvation

My ultimate dream has always been to reach heaven someday….it was never to be really rich…I guess that is why I am still here…still not rich but not that poor either…sometimes I wonder if this is right? I mean being contented with enough…know what I mean?

What matters to me has always been just plain good health, a happy family, peace of mind, friends….there was a time I neglected my spiritual life…now I am gaining back my faith…faith that there is a far greater reason for being here on earth than just enjoying what human amenities have to offer…I have always been urged to aim high, to be ambitious- translated in human terms to dream to be rich and famous….own a big house…several cars….but do we really need those things? Me owning a big house and several cars….hmmmm not bad but I think I will feel bad for the rest of humanity who remain in the arms of poverty and starvation…it wouldn’t make me feel good at all to be dining in a fancy restaurant or sleeping in a first class hotel…aaaahhhh I should have taken the vow of poverty years ago hehehehe and I am not joking…

I can’t find it in myself to admire rich people…people with big houses etc etc….but I would bow before and applaud a person who runs a hospice..or puts poor kids to school and keeps a simple humble abode…

Aaaaah my mom would hate me for what I am saying again…

But then again..the more we have..the more we can share…if only human greed is wiped out of the face of the earth..how wonderful life would be…if things were free and everyone shares equally just what little mother nature could offer…we will all be living in a paradise now….and there will be no global crisis.

I myself am not perfect…most of the time I am a selfish woman enslaved by modern comfort…and everyday I am struggling to leave that selfish nature and be what God has always wanted us to be…in his own image and likeness…

Which reminds me of a story in the life of Jesus when a young man came to him asking how he would be able to go to heaven and Jesus answered…leave your belongings…carry your cross and follow me…the man became very sad because he was very rich……aaaaahhhh it is a blessing I am not rich hehehehe

This morning a patient gave me three rice cakes….the other day a patient’s mother gave me one apple…..aaaah how I wish they will be converted to four tickets to heaven….the other week a patient held my hand and said a prayer for God to bless me…it was worth a lot more than the thirteenth month pay I received…..

I am at the very core of human service now….and I enjoy every second of it minus the exaggeration….yah really…haaaay is this me talking? God bless us all.

line to heaven

ang alon sa dapithapon

Kapag nawala ang paru-paro sa dalampasigan

Hanapin mo kaya?

Kapag naglaho nang tuluyan ang alon sa dagat

At ito’y naging tigang hanapin mo kaya?

Kapag nanahimik na ang maingay na mga pagbati

Hanapin mo kaya?

Kapag di mo na makita

Ang kislap at ningning ng bawat nyang umaga

Mamamangha ka ba?

O di mo man lang mapapansin?

O di ka man lang maninimdim?

Hanapin mo kaya?

Magtataka ka man lamang kaya?

Maninibugho ka ba?

O di mo man lang mapapansin?

O di mo man lang itatanong?

Malamang hindi nga…

Hindi ka nga magtatanong…

Iisipin mo na ganoon nga lang talaga siya

Walang pakiramdam…wala ring pakialam

At mabubuhay ka uli na puno ng panibugho

Puno ng pighati

Pero hindi ka maghihiganti

Mananahimik ka na lamang…

Hahayaan mo siyang lumayo…

Sasabihin mo sa sarili mo…iyon ang gusto nya

Bakit ko siya pipigilan?

Pero ang hindi mo alam

Mananatili pa rin siya

Mananatili ang mga alon…mananatili ang paru-paro sa dalampasigan

Babantayan ka hanggang sa magdapit hapon

Ang buhay mong siya ring buhay na niya

Hindi mo lang siya makikita…hindi mo lang siya mararamdaman

Pero mananatili siya…mananatili siya

Kung hindi mo siya pipigilan

At muli kang magpipi-pipipihan

Maglalaho nang tuluyan

Itong batis sa batalan….

Pero mananatili ang pag ibig sa dalampasigan…

Hindi mo lang alam

Hindi mo na lang malalaman

Pero mananatili siya…

Mananatili siyang alipin ng nakaraan….

At mangangarap na sana nga ay di maglaho

Ang alat ng dagat

Pagkat naniniwala siya sa sumpaang walang hanggan…

magkubli man ito sa matamis na pagkakaibigan….

Minsan may mga taong ang sarap palayasin sa buhay natin

Hindi dahil sa di natin sila mahal kundi dahil

Alam natin na masasaktan lang tayo kapag nagtagal pa sila

Ang sarap nilang layasan hindi dahil ayaw natin silang makapiling

Kundi dahil alam nating di natin sila dapat makasama

Alam nating hindi dapat

Pero gustong gusto mo

Gustong gusto mo siyang makasama

Pero hindi nga puede

Sasaktan nyo lang ang isa’t isa

Kaya habang may panahon pa

Upang lumimot

Lilimutin mo na

Tatakbo ka na papalayo

Habang may lakas pa ang mga binti mo

Upang itaboy ang sarili mo bago ka malunod sa saya

Sa saya na di naman para sa yo

Kaya bago ka pa masaktan…bago ka pa lumuha

Ubusin mo na ang lakas mo

Sa paglayo

Lumayo ka na utang na loob lumayo ka na

Pero bakit ganon lagi ka pa ring bumabalik

Lagi ka pa ring lumilingon

Bumabagal ang pagtakbo mo at unti unti

Hindi ka na papalayo kundi papalapit

Papalapit uli sa taong nakangiti

Di mo maiwan iwanan

Kahit alam mong sa bandang huli masasaktan ka lang

Aaaah baliw ka nga siguro talaga…

Minsan tinanong mo siya kung paano ba maging masaya

Ang sagot nya “magpakabaliw ka”

Paano ba magpakabaliw ang sadyang baliw na?

kelan kaya mag co comment si piolo pascual hahahaha

Ang sarap sigurong maging sentro ng buhay ng isang tao

Yung ikaw na mismo ang araw, ang buwan, ang mga bituin ang hangin at tubig

para sa kanya….

ang pagmulat mo ng mga mata ang syang hudyat ng kanyang bawat umaga

Ang pagpikit mo ng mga mata ang syang paglubog ng araw sa mundo nya..

At ang iyong bawat hininga ay sya na ring hininga nya

Pag di ka masaya mangungulila siya

Pag masaya ka maligaya siya

At itataboy nya lahat ng kinamumuhian mo

Iipunin nya lahat ng gusto mo at iaalay sa paanan mo

Babantayan ka maghapon, magdamag hanggang mag umaga

Mamasdan ang bawat mong kilos kasi baka ka matisod, baka ka masamid

Mabubuhay siya sa bawat ngiti at haplos na kaya mong ibigay

At makukontento siya sa kung ano ka…

Hindi siya maghahanap ng anumang kapalit

Hindi siya kailan man mawawala…

At higit sa lahat mamahalin ka nya ng buong buo

Walang halong biro..walang pagbabalat kayo

Aaahhhhh meron bang ganoon?

Sa mundong ibabaw na puno ng pighati meroon bang taong ganoon?

Yung magsasabi sa yong parang babagsak ang langit sa lupa pag iniwan mo siya…

Yung taong hindi magsasawa pag kinukulit mo sya

Yung magsasabi sa lahat na-“makinig kayo…nagsasalita ang mahal ko”

Yung kaya nyang pahintuin ang rumaragasang tren para di ka masagasaan

Yung kaya nyang sabihing- tigil mundo! Hintayin mo ang mahal ko

Yung kaya nyang mawala pag hiniling mong maglaho siya

Pero babalik din pag hinanap mo siya

Walang ganoon dito sa earth…wala

Nangangarap lang po…

Alien… alien….

Alien ang kasagutan hahahahaha

Sentro daw ng mundo..di ka naman prinsesa

Sa fairy tale lang yun…

Maligo ka na zen…

Nangangamoy ka na nyahahahahahaha

Nakakatawa na ako…normal na naman ako whew!

Yah that’s precisely what my soul is now…and it reflects in the way our room looks this very moment…I haven’t had the energy to fix the bedding…in fact I haven’t changed the linens for days now…the bed is teeming with sweat and sperm(joke)…

rattled, pensive, disheveled

The sofa is of no use because it is laden with all sorts of stuff- CP charger…scrub suits…a high school graduation picture….ballpen…beauty cream bar…cotton, old watch…reminds me of my room as a teen-ager when my mind was really such a clutter…

Well I haven’t been my usual self for a week now…

I asked my co-resident to exchange duties with me because I really am not yet in a sane condition to heal…I might violate “primum non no cere”-first do no harm…

I went to the cathedral the other day and I cried my heart out..i said “Lord if this is the cross I have to bear to enter your kingdom then so be it…thy will be done” and I cried and I cried…like a child…

I just lost an important person in my life…lost because somebody took her away…

I never thought it could happen…until yah it happened…and on the moment where in movies I was supposed to be crying…I didn’t cry…I just bowed my head and walked away pretending to be okay…

But when I got to the church the tears came flowing like a river…

And I blame myself for everything…

How could you cherish a dream that came true when that dream took away someone dear to you

If she blames you for her fate how could you go on with your life pretending everything’s okay?

I’ve been through it all..pain..pain and suffering…perhaps this is karma working…i suppose

But yah if there is anything good that comes from all of these it is the fact that it has strengthened my faith…my faith in the Almighty…

I wrote this poem years ago…I never really thought it would happen to us someday…

and the night was dark

where the devil cast its spell

and the house was wrecked were love used to dwell

for what reason is there

for the heart and soul to exhault?

when pride struggles to overpower pride

and bitterness fills the glass to the brim

until it must be emptied

to the bottom

and floods the plains and hills

and withers everything

“Juanito’s nightmare”

written summer of 94

became MY REALITY just now…

but in the end it is never too late to catch the setting of the sun smiling....i guess i can never have my family back but i will always have myself.

bago ko umpisahan ang isa na namang

walang saysay na sanaysay

babati muna ako hahahaha feeling artista

salamat lang sa mga nagbabasa

di ko akalaing may mga magtityaga talaga

na magbuklat ng kabuwangan

siguro buwang din sila nyahahahahaha joke po-

rhen, mace, beth, ninotchka,angelikuz blue, rosvi, at sa isang taong bida sa lahat ng ito na ayaw mag comment dahil nauna na kayo lahat mag comment sa bingo (samantalang sinulat ko yun para maintindihan nya ako sa nagawa ko nun hehehe) mmmmm intriga….what you see…what you read leave it here po hehehe…love nyo ko di ba? -joke lang lahat ng ito- kathang isip hehehesa mga di ko nabanggit, paumanhin po…pa comment po hehehe

i wrote this already- “thump” but nobody gave a comment so i’ll do it in another language- linguaheng kalye hehehe para po sa inyo…sa inyong minsan ay umibig na…

She couldn’t stand the thought

Of walking out of his life again…

Not after she realized that

To die is to live again…

That to be happy is to love oneself

That in this short thing called LIFE

There is a place called love

Whose other side is called friendship

She simply couldn’t walk away anymore

Not now…not now when she already knows

That there is a life beyond this life

That to accept fate is to understand that we are more than what we see

We are more than what we know

There is a guiding hand that leads us

Back to the people we love

Back to the people who love us…

She loves him so much perhaps

That is why she chose to stay

To stay and be a friend for life…

It maybe hard to understand

Hard really to comprehend

That sometimes love comes in different forms

And maybe just maybe- they are angels in each others’arms

Arms that never touch-but souls meant to be

Maybe not in this lifetime

But in the next…

Angels..angels…angels…

They made a promise once…years ago

And maybe in time…it will come true

In angels’ land….

Ever wondered why I am “all saint’s day”? –close to me you wouldn’t….hehehehe ikaw ba naman ang ipanganak sa araw ng mga patay? Actually hindi patay kase nga All Saint’s day ang November 1, November 2 ang All soul’s day….mahirap bang intindihin yon hahahahaha…sa araw ng mga santo ako pinanganak..hindi araw ng mga patay hahahaha!

Mahirap lang kase tanggapin na pag birthday mo e nasa sementeryo ang karamihan ng tao at ipinagdidiwang ang araw ng kamatayan habang ikaw e nagdidiwang kasi nga birthday mo kuno hehehehe..pero wag ka di naman ako nag iisa e..anjan si mam melch…pero di nagbabasa ng blogs ata hehehehehe.

Nung last duty ko ba naman…kahapon actually from duty ako…may patient kaming direct DR kase fully dilated na at palabas na talaga baby….19 yung mother gravida 1 at syempre di marunong umiri…pagod mag labor coach tapos pag labas ng baby waaaa di umiyak….huhuhu…cyanotic ba naman all over…huhuhu…say ko “Lord make him breathe huhuhuh…not today not on the day before my natal day huhuhuhu…” suctioned his secretions…stimulated him…hooked him on oxygen and after what seemed like a lifetime…saw his body turning pink and he started crying out loud non-stop huh! t’was the most beautiful sound I ever heard- the sound of life….and I literally made a sigh of relief-huh natunaw ng wala sa oras breakfast ko na favorite sa tyan ko- chicken curry ni ate carol sa carinderia harap hospital…nakakapanghina talaga eksenang life and death…na almost every 24 hour duty e na e experience ko…pero fulfilling sya..i never would choose any other profession pa rin…pag nu nurse sa states? Option pa rin naman pag nag ka visa na…syempre still want din to experience life in another country pero as of now, I am contented with everything I have in life..ako pa e makahinga lang ako ng maluwag happy na ako…say nung taga tinda newspaper sa hospital pag deliver nya tabloid ko sa quarters-“ayna dra nagrigat ti biag” (ang hirap ng buhay)- say ko e naku po wala naman kayong mabigat na problema e…nakakalakad naman kayo…nakakakita..and most of all nakakahinga at nakakakain naman kahit papano..ok na po yan “ta’s say nya oo nga no hehehehehe dra talaga…sa totoo lang, in truth..simple lang naman talaga ang kelangan ng tao para maging masaya e…nakaka guilty nga minsan maghanap ng kung anu ano pa e wala naman tayong malubhang sakit…buhay na buhay ang mga mahal sa buhay…may work, may food sa table…may air, may water, may internet..hindi naman sa bahala na bukas pero it pays to live for the day and appreciate the thing called “present”- a gift…

Kaya ako…happy ako today on my 33^rd birthday kasi nag greet naman na special people in my life…my bonus pa nga e na someone I treasure much na for a long time e di ko na realize na nanjan lang pala…you know who you are..thank you so much po…lalo kong napapatunayan na ang mabait pinagpapala kaya manatili tayong mabait lahat frends…wag na tayong masyadong magdamdam ke Lord pag di nya binigay mga grand wishes natin…tutal kung iisipin di naman gaano kelangan mga bagay na mamahalin….mga mamahalin na tao ang importante di ba?

Hahahaha seryoso ako ngayon a birthday ko nga talaga at talaga nga atang tumatanda nako…May celebration ba? Wala…ako pa e kahit humiga lang ako maghapon dito sa room with the kids e solved na ako…si husband? Hay asa work…di nya maiiwan ang munisipalidad na pinaglilingkuran nya kaya heto alone ang lola nyo hehehehe pero in the company of friends naman at heart kaya happy pa rin…all it takes is loving without asking for anything in return naman para maging contented sa life…

Punta kayako sementeryo…kakatamad lang kasi…kaso pag di ako nagpunta baka sina lola at lolo na matagal nang yumao ang dumalaw sa kin kaya pupunta ako siguro hehehehe…

Hay life…salamat sa lahat ng nakaalala…mabuhay kayo…magpakabait friends…life is short

YESTERDAY MY LOW TECH CP OF TWO YEARS WENT INTO CARDIAC ARREST HEHEHEHE….IT FAILED TO STORE PICTURES…IT DIDN’T STORE SOUNDS…MESSAGES WERE DELETED..THERE WAS A MOMENT I COULDN’T SEND TXT..SENDERS BECAME UNKNOWN…I WENT CRAZY INTERMITTENTLY LAUGHING IT OUT AND SIGHING IN EXASPERATION- I LOVED THE DARN THING BECAUSE IT GAVE ME COMPANY FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS OF MY LIFE…WRY AS IT SEEMED I STILL LOVED IT WITH ALL ITS SCRATCHES AND OUTDATED FEATURES…IT IS HARD TO GIVE UP SOMETHING THAT HOLDS THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE NOT TO MENTION MEMORIES OF ALL SORTS…THE MESSAGES I TREASURE DEEPLY WERE CORRUPTED BUT IT DOESN’T QUITE MATTER NOW…THEY’VE BEEN STORED IN MY HEART FOR ETERNITY…

AND THEN IT DAWNED ON ME TO JUST GO TO THE MASTER RESET IN THE SETTINGS FILE- BUT I HAD TO COPY NUMBER PER NUMBER THE CONTACTS FIRST OTHERWISE I WILL LOSE CONTACT WITH PEOPLE IMPORTANT IN WORK,IN LIFE,IN HEART AND I LITERALLY ERASED PEOPLE I NEVER REALLY KNEW OR KNOW FOR THAT MATTER…AND THERE WERE LOTS OF THEM…IT WAS LIKE RESETTING MY LIFE- FOR A COOL CHANGE…YEAH FOR A COOL CHANGE…

I’M TURNING 33 TOMORROW! WHEW 3 AND 3 = 6 HEHEHEHE….SOMETIMES I REALLY WISH I WERE 6 AGAIN BUT THEN AGAIN NO…WHEN I WAS 6 I WANTED TO BE 33 SO I WILL NO LONGER BE TOLD THAT I WAS SO YOUNG TO KNOW…TOO YOUNG TO GO PLACES…TOO YOUNG TO MATTER…

LISTENING TO COOL CHANGE NOW- REFRESHING SONG..I FEEL AS IF  WATER IS BEING SPLASHED ON MY FACE…WISH I COULD HEAR SOMEONE SPECIAL SING IT FOR ME…HMMMM? TIME FOR A COOL CHANGE REALLY…

I HAD FORMAL GUITAR LESSONS WAY BACK HIGHSCHOOL BUT I NEVER LEARNED HAHAHAHA…AND I CAN’T EVEN WHISTLE A TUNE! BUT I’M A MASTER OF LYRICS HEHEHEHE.

IN A LITTLE WHILE MY 2 LITTLE BOYS WILL BE HERE IN THE ROOM URGING ME TO STOP WHATEVER I’M DOING SO THEY COULD PLAY…HAY LOVE THOSE TWO CREATURES SO MUCH EVEN IF THEY’RE SO UNLIKE ME….

TOMORROW I’M GOING PLACES…HEHEHEHEHE GETTING OLD WAAAAAAA!!!!!!

There is something about loving someone in the romantic sense that really puzzles me.. I mean…could it be possible to unlove a person? I read from a column in a tabloid the other day…that human love is not eternal..we confuse it with the Love of God which is truly unending..man’s love could end because in the first place…man has an end…when the person dies..the love dies too…but does it? I would like to oppose his opinion but who am I to say whether it is right or wrong..i  myself am not immortal…

is it real? or is it just a dream...

I can say though that a real prerequisite to loving others is loving oneself…I used to hate the song the Greatest Love of all which I used to hear as a child….i didn’t like the thought of loving oneself before others…I always thought that we must love others more than ourselves…but having grown and married and given birth to two kids…I realize that we must really first of all….love ourselves..because if we don’t there is no way we could ever know how to love others and we will never have anything to give…

Everytime my birthday draws near I get into a depressed mood…my diaries attest to this…it is on my birth day that I really get so sad…I don’t know why…maybe because I always entertain the thought that it may be the last…

When we love someone…do we really love them or do we love them because they love us..is there such thing as loving someone really and never asking for anything in return? When we say we love someone do we mean we love them for all that they are or we love the idea of changing them into someone we want for our needs….do we simply love them because we need them?  Or we need them because we love them? Many have asked the same question before and now I am asking it…seven years of marriage isn’t that long yet and I cannot yet attest to the veracity of true love in marriage…

Why does it become tiring to do the same chores for the person we gave our life to…why does it become boring listening to the same litany…the same insults and grievances…does that mean you no longer love the person? Or does it simply mean you have started to love yourself a little bit more realizing that to give is to receive too?

I don’t know again whether I am making sense…but I just know deep in my heart that after so many years..it is only now that I realize that I must love myself…I must love myself so I could withstand the coming years of giving and giving and not asking for anything in return….because that’s what true love really is…martyrdom…a kingdom I never dream of ruling hehehehehehe ….

You could raise an eyebrow…give me a frown or applaud me…despise me for what I say..I wouldn’t care….really..as they say everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion… hehehehehe.

Maybe I am wrong..maybe I am right or maybe I just don’t know how to love at all anymore..could it be unlearned? Is it supposed to be learned or is it spontaneous….i do believe the latter….huh…whatever the truth is…I am content now…I am content having re-discovered my old self..the me that there was before I Gave Everything and never asked for anything in return…or did I get anything in return?